Sunday, June 1, 2008

Total Assault: Seek & Destroy

Yo, EA, Take Two, I got this crazy new idea for your next video game. It's called "Total Assault: Seek & Destroy."



You play the warrior, on a battlefield of cancer. Your mission: kill all the cancer cells before they kill your host...or before your host succumbs to a range of debilitating and possibly deadly side effects. Your only weapons are the powerful but undiscriminating cancer drugs, which you can combine in standard regimens or dole out in experimental new doses.

You're on a race against time as you speed through the inner workings of your host's body, peering around every corner for the dastardly cells, cognizant of the declining half-lives and varying efficacies of your weapons. You rack up points for destroying cancer cells, but lose them every time a normal cell is killed in "collateral damage". You also lose points as your host succumbs to side effects like nausea, weight loss, hair loss, low blood counts, mouth sores, or decreased heart and lung function. Your only remedy there is to spend your hard-earned points on supportive medications for your host. Maybe they'll make your host feel better...maybe they won't. Earn bonus points if your host is in relatively good health: the host will be able to help you fight back against the nefarious cancer cells.

So you've gotten all the cells, you think? Made it through the chemo regimen? Well, game's not over yet. Hopefully you have enough points left for the bonus round: radiation. In this rapid-fire round, you only have seconds to memorize the CT/PET scan map and then target your radiation at any remaining cancer cells. OD on the radiation and your host dies. Miss out on some cancer cells in your haste and lose the game.

For a real challenge, Total Assault warriors can test their skills on hosts with a variety of types and stages of cancer. And as an added handicap, warriors will notice their reaction times slowing or increasing along with the relative health of their hosts.

I swear...it will be a total sleeper hit.

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