New Math

Halfway. I'd attached myself to it, if somewhat uneasily. It's not the most reassuring word, halfway. Halfway house. Halfway to heaven. Halfway to hell.

Or halfway as its own destination of sorts. Purgatory. When I was a kid, we used to drive from Southern California to Phoenix a lot, to spend time with my grandfather and my uncle and their families. At six hours back in gas-saving 55-mph speed limit days, it was a long drive even for me, a child of the Inland Empire's freeway culture well inured to living life on the road.


Halfway between the states was Blythe, a boiling hot patch of gas stations, fast food, and a prison melting in the desert amidst endless horizons of sand and saguaros. A spartan bathroom, a fresh tank of gas, and a cold drink as you disappeared in a curl of smoke on the white-hot sidewalks. Then you packed quickly back in the car to roll across the shrunken Colorado and start the engine-saving air-conditioner-less slog up the mountains into Arizona. Halfway there.

Halfway's deceptive though. Is it really halfway? Traffic jams. Flat tire. Stops for dinner. Change of plans. Road construction. Detours. It could be early afternoon when we hit Blythe, and late into a dark, steamy August night before we rolled up at my grandpa's familiar stuccoed cul-de-sac. So I touched the word gingerly this time around, unsure. Halfway.

Yesterday marked the halfway point through my chemo. I'd counted out eight weeks of chemo, a week of scans, a week of radiation. Or so said the hand-written calendar given me by the nurse practitioner in week 1.

Today, my uncertainty was justified, as "halfway" became "almost one-third of the way". My chemo is to be followed by a full 28 or more days of radiation - daily visits, 7 days a week, four or five weeks straight. Much more restrictive than my current schedule, which, surprisingly, has proved quite liberating. I was disillusioned and disappointed. I'll find out soon exactly when the radiation treatments will start and end, how long it will take each day, when during the day the appointments will be, and which UCSF facility (out of the dozen or so) I'll visit.

D'ici là, I rework my calendar and re-count the days.