Yes We Could

I’ve chosen to tell this past year’s – diagnosis, treatment, and recovery – in the context of my career, perhaps because that is the most appropriate and least damning story arc. But there are others frames I set aside along the way: say, the 2008 presidential election.

There is no causative factor, of course; only a happenstance correlation. It was back around the time of Key West, back around that heart-stopping lump I felt, that I started to follow the meteoric career of this amazing 2004 DNC speaker, the kid with the funny name from the South Side of Chicago, thrust onto the national stage by none other than John Kerry: Barack Obama. In Alabama, in January, while I was being run through the gauntlet of tests, neon bandages around my elbow from the constant blood-letting, that I walked into a library in West Mobile to see how I, and shockingly, three dozen of the most diverse crowd I'd ever seen gathered in the South, could help elect this man president. While the tests dragged on, and the detailer called to tempt me with the grand surprise, unsustainable, of my dream job, I pounded the streets of middle-class black neighborhoods in Mobile and walked past parades of Mardi Gras revelers, registering voters and talking up the impending primary, which due to its concurrence with Fat Tuesday, was held (in Mobile alone in the state) a week early. Since we were in drydock, I carved out the time to drive 8 or 9 hours round-trip to Birmingham on a Sunday to again see the most incredible cross-section of Southern population, gathered in record-breaking numbers of maybe 12K-15K, to reassure each other that this inspirational man speaking before us was no illusion; the America he touted no idle dream. I walked up naively with handfuls of extra tickets entrusted to me from the Mobile office and was instantly mobbed by hundreds of eager, desperate fellow Americans. Desperate for hope. Desperate for change.

Yes we could.

When I went to Rhode Island for TAO school, that abortive attempt at normalcy my gut told me was doomed to fail, given the biopsy taken on the eve of my departure, the Pennsylvania primary already loomed large, and I made arrangements to drive over and volunteer one weekend. While the eventual diagnosis scotched those lofty goals, my immediate redirection to California enabled me to join a call center and reach out to hundreds of primary voters in Indiana. I registered the leather-clad during Pride Weekend, the arugula-eating in Nob Hill, and the surreally cloistered in far exurbia. In late May, I flew up to Oregon and pounded the streets of Bend, Beaverton, and Portland in anticipation of their primary; Oregon's record-breaking crowd of 75,000 packed into the Waterfront Park rally the day I left. Later that summer, I flew to Arizona and lettered campaign signs with my mother – a devout Hillary Clinton supporter I like to think I helped convert – in a tiny house in the Hispanic ghetto. Did I mention that by this time, I was going through treatment? That I was struggling to focus through the searing pain that was destroying everything within me from blood cells to tastebuds? That I was working 30+ hours a week, gritting out the exhaustion and the dizzying sickness with thoughts of ship commissionings and $1 million security contracts? That I was bandanna-clad, scarf-wrapped guarding my delicate bald scalp and radiated neck from the summer sun? I didn’t, but no matter. It was secondary to me then, too. We needed this moment. We needed this change.

Yes we could.

The primaries wound up. I watched the historic acceptance speech from my apartment in San Francisco, cheering wildly with my roommate, all else forgotten. I followed the general election from the road, sporadically. By now, treatment was over, and I was rushing to catch up. As I drove cross-country to bring my car from Alabama to California at last, I no longer feared to tape my “Obama ‘08” bumper-sticker in my back window while driving through the South. My Obama t-shirts started conversations in small towns and big cities alike, and I couldn't stop handing out leftover pins and paraphernalia. People were emerging, squinting, unsure, out of every forgotten corner of America to wish, to hope, just barely over their fear that a long-held dream might just come true, that we had a future, that we, Americans, could truly have a voice, a long-slumbering power stirring awake.

I watched the final presidential debate, or the majority of it, huddled with a couple dozen flight-mates around a TV in Nagoya during an all-too-brief layover to the other side of the world. South Africa was abuzz with the possibility that a man with an African father might be elected American president. In South Africa, the only reason black men finally won the presidency is that their black majority at last earned suffrage. In America, they amazed, a black man might win because white people voted for him. It was a game-changer.

Yes we could.

Election night itself, I was underway, or getting underway, en route to my new life, the one I'd left behind. We were in the middle of TACT, in San Diego. We'd been anchored for a few hours earlier in the afternoon, and despite my exhaustion of endless operations, night and day, I'd been glued to the wardroom TV the whole time, watching early election returns as the polls closed in the East. Then we set special sea detail, and it was dark; I was on the bridge, and my pocket wouldn't stop buzzing. My roommate was frantically texting me electoral college updates, and when that seemed decisive, I begged her for Senate numbers. Just as we weighed anchor, my mother called. I thought it was an emergency and decamped to the bridge wing. "OBAMA WON!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!" she screamed. "That's great, Mom," I whispered. "I'm at special sea detail right now."

We left for the OOH before the inauguration; providentially, our departure from Honolulu was delayed a day and some hours; long enough to watch the august event in its entirety, again from the wardroom television via the propagandistic AFN (Armed Forces Network). We left as the world was changing, and all that we heard of home in the interim seemed distant and unreal - a dying economy, a sagging stock market, torture, Guantanamo, Supreme Court, budget fights, bank bailouts.

Even in our port calls, we seemed to cross stars with the new administration. We stopped in Malaysia days before Hillary Clinton flew to Southeast Asia for her first foray as Secretary of State.We sweated through India and Pakistan as Obama shook hands with Musharraf in the White House for the first time. We were moored in Bahrain when the President flew out, unexpectedly, to meet with troops in Iraq and Kuwait and Afghanistan. Leaving Jordan and through the Suez as Obama made his much-heralded Egypt speech to the Muslim world. Sailing through the Med as the First Family traveled Europe and was lambasted by press for hugging the Queen in England and sight-seeing in Paris. As we chased down suspected pirates in the Gulf of Aden for one of our biggest operational accomplishments, Arlen Specter switched parties to set up a sea change in the Senate. Days before we pulled back into Alameda, Norm Coleman finally conceded and Al Franken was sworn in on Paul Wellstone’s Bible. The Senate was at 60. Mission accomplished.

There are new crewmembers now, like our new Weapons Officer who served on the Inaugural Committee and hobnobbed at all the balls, who haven’t the faintest clue the path I hiked last summer. Back home, now, the mass of Americans have sunk, deaf and dumb, into their lives of quiet desperation, worried by recession and distracted by Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett and opinion polls, back into the lethargy, forgetting so easily, relinquishing the terrific power they so recently held.

The moment is past.

Credit by Exam

The Coast Guard, luckily for me, (and mainly from tight resources) relies heavily on OJT - on-the-job training - to qualify its personnel. That's a good thing, because I've never been one to revel in extended classroom "butt time".

Back in junior high and high school, I schemed every trick imaginable to escape from the stultifying confines of those terrible four walls of lecturehood. Testing out, two classes at once, credit for outside activities, dual-credit classes; and my personal favorite, "excused" absences for the purpose of furthering legitimate extracurricular activities. (I missed more than a few days of high school to perform in paid gigs out-of-state. Those were cool chits to route!) It was all about the electives, then, anyway: how many pointless core requirements could I clear out of my day to make room for the good stuff?

College was, quite, the culmination of these years of curiously channeled creativity. In college, lectures were not compulsory; only results counted. I traded somnolent droning for dark tables of dusty books dug from the Bodleian's stacks, runs around the sports grounds to memorize ancient languages, and the midnight-to-0500 shift at the keyboard, typing away furiously at the essay due at daybreak.

Class time it wasn't. It keeps nagging me, somewhere back of my mind, that perhaps I should go back to school one day - fully funded, no less; career-enhancing, certainly. One day in mandatory training explodes that deceptively tempting thought. Classrooms and I don't cohabitate comfortably.

Here, then, I've been busy knocking out "credits by exam", as it were. I was excused from nearly two full months of mandatory pre-arrival training on the proposition that I would gain all that knowledge by doing, on the job, on this patrol. I am a practical learner; we've been busy; it's been ideal. Plus, instead of parking my butt in a plastic chair to blink my eyes sleepily at an soporific instructor, determined to close the last of the hundred Argusian eyes, I've kept watch in the sunshine and the wind on the bridge wing; I've darted around in the dim blue air-conditioned hum of CIC; I've crept through the ship late at night, in port, between endless days of drills and exercises and assessments, skipping the pub crawl to trace the firemain and diagram damage control systems.

There's still the oral board at the end. Which always, despite my level or source of preparedness, challenges me, if only because I overthink the questions and doubt my communicative abilities. Put me on the bridge in bad weather with a distress call from a small sailboat; put me in CIC as we're corralling a runaway skiff or creeping up, defenses at maximum alert, to a suspect vessel late on a dark night. Put me on the conn as we navigate a tight spot. Let me do, demonstrate, train, coach, take action. I trust the kinetics. The academics I study.

In this I have, at last, succeeded. I have earned my key qualifications, with (hopefully) a couple more to follow shortly, before I leave. This time, my reward was not electives, free time, or near-residence at the music faculty. This time, my reward was 6th Fleet operations - the Mediterranean. Work and play. Anything but the classroom.

Early April's update from the CO

BOUTWELL Friends and Families,

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've written one of these. There has been a lot going on - I'll tell you about as much as I can. Don't feel like I'm keeping things from you - the things I leave out are not all that exciting, it's just info we'd rather not fall into the wrong hands, and as soon as this email goes to an address that doesn't end in "uscg.mil", there's a risk that that could happen.

Shortly after my last email, we joined ships and aircraft from 10 other countries for an international exercise called AMAN '09, hosted by the Pakistani Navy. AMAN means "Peace" in Urdu, one of the principle languages of Pakistan. The exercise consisted of inport workshops, professional exchanges, underway events like mock boardings, formation steaming and Search & Rescue demonstrations, and cultural events ashore. The shoreside events were all held in Karachi, Pakistan. As you can imagine, security was very tight. No liberty was granted to the crew, except to attend official exercise events, so their ability to 'experience' Pakistan was very limited. The official events were very nice, though, and demonstrated a good deal of the rich culture and historical heritage of Pakistan, as well as some really good food.

The crew also got to visit with the crews of the other ships moored with us in Karachi. Ships from the British Royal Navy and the Australian Navy were most popular, probably because of the (more or less) common language, but we also had guests aboard from the Chinese Navy, and lots of interaction with the Pakistanis. France, Malaysia, Japan, Bangladesh, Turkey, and Nigeria also had forces participating. We interacted with them at the meetings and some of the social events, but they were a little farther away from us so we didn't spend as much time with them. On our pier, there were sports events between and among the different crews, and some vendors were allowed between the 2nd and 3rd entry control points, so the crew could do some shopping.

When we left there, we made another strait transit. Remember those from the Philippines? This one was through the Strait of Hormuz, the narrow waterway between Iran and Oman that connects the Arabian Sea to the Arabian Gulf. We drew a little attention from some Iranian naval craft during that transit, but it turned out they just wanted to get a closer look at us. Not really surprising - I guess they don't see many U.S. Coast Guard high endurance cutters in these parts. I think we got a pretty good picture of them taking a picture of us.

We then stopped in Bahrain for a few days of R&R&R. The third R is for repair. Bahrain is home to the headquarters for 5th Fleet, which doubles as the Naval component commander for Central Command, or CENTCOM. As such, it’s a logistics hub for the region and we received many many much needed spare parts we had ordered, as well as literally almost a ton of mail. We then left Bahrain, went back out to the Arabian Sea. This time, when we had just finished going through the Strait of Hormuz in the other direction, we came across a small Iranian boat, disabled and adrift, with 22 people on it. We contacted officials from both Oman (because it was closest) and Iran, and stayed with the boat for several hours waiting for the Iranians to come help them. We also provided some medical and engineering assistance to them, and in the end, they were able to get their engine started again before the Iranians got there.

After that, we've spent most of our time doing counter-drug type operations, very similar to what we would be doing on an Eastern Pacific patrol. One of the most interesting things we've done was an underway refueling evolution from a Japanese Maritime Self-Defense Force oiler, followed by a photo op with them, another Japanese ship and ships from Germany and Pakistan. We're also getting more and more of our people qualified in various watchstations all the time, and we have a lot more qualified boat crewmembers, boarding team members and flight deck personnel than we did before. We've had some advancements as well.

And, as often happens, we've had some equipment break. I think I've said it before in previous emails - one of the strengths of the WHEC is that we have lots of redundant systems, so that even when some of them break we are still very capable. That often makes the decision on whether to continue to operate, at a reduced level, or take time away from operations to make repairs, a very difficult one. That's true in this case as well, but we found an opportunity to repair some of the more important equipment with minimal impact on our scheduled commitments, so as I write this we are back in Bahrain to take advantage of it.

As I write this, we are almost at the halfway point of this deployment. We're starting to get into a rhythm a little bit, hitting our stride so to speak. Things we're doing that at first were new and difficult are now more routine and easier. People are finding ways to make the time more enjoyable and for want of a better word, 'normal'. We've seen the return of steel beach, and a jam session on the flight deck (made up mostly by TAD folks, for some reason). I'm excited and proud of the things we are doing, but at the same time I'm looking forward to being on the back end of the trip. There's starting to be more and more discussion about what we will be doing during the transit back, and once we get back. We still have a lot to do here, and a long time until we're back, but once we get 'over the hump' we generally pick up speed.

CAPT Kevin J. Cavanaugh
Commanding Officer
USCGC BOUTWELL (WHEC 719)

Under wraps

We have now spent close to three months "in theater". Almost without fail, and even in the port calls before we formally inchopped, the countries we've visited have been extremely conservative, traditional, male-dominated, majority-Muslim societies.

I expected women to be largely invisible; black-clad shadows floating, out of focus, in the background; absent from politics, the military, business: all the traditional seats of power. In this, despite the brilliant knots of sari-wrapped wives in Cochin, I was not entirely mistaken. Everywhere we've gone, I've been a novelty, particularly where I've involved myself in the VBSS (visit, board, search, and seizure) and maritime law enforcement training, or assisted with ATFP (anti-terrorism/force protection) concerns, or even just in introductions as the Tactical Action Officer - what our British and Australian cousins call the PWO (Principal Warfare Officer).
In India, where I found company with their regional coast guard's sole female officer, an O-4 in charge of logistics (and where I admit I didn't help my case by providing the musical entertainment for our reception onboard), the general rumor was that I was the captain's wife. Why else is she onboard? In Malaysia, the boarding team members were skittish when I went "hands-on" to demonstrate correct techniques for handcuffing and escorts, and peppered me with questions about frisking female subjects while avoiding what they called "human rights concerns". In Jordan, the local security forces made eyes at all the ship's females (the local US Navy intelligence agent, a woman, said, "Do you feel uncomfortable yet? You will..."), and in Oman, I bought an abaya. Just in case.

Surprisingly, the Saudis were quite polite to me, in our limited interaction; in Bahrain and the Maldives, I was largely out of the operational loop. Everywhere, I was questioned not on my profession, but on my personal life: where are your husband and children?! It reminded me, uncomfortably, of my nosy neighbors in the Deep South.

Gender-wise, the most challenging country we visited was Pakistan. In Karachi, for AMAN '09, I'd volunteered to organize the evolution our ship would run as OTC (officer in tactical command), an exercise demonstrating the multi-national naval forces' collective ability to defend against the threat from small boat attacks. The visiting naval officers were largely nonchalant (worried, no doubt, about their own pending exercises), but the locals weren't sure how to take me. My input in the pre-sail conference was largely smiled at politely - and ignored. After I briefed our exercise in front of the collective countries' naval delegations, long and oppressive silence reigned: nobody dared question my plan...why is a woman up there giving direction in the first place?! Underway, when I sought to take OTC control in order to kick off the exercise, the exercise controller fought with me over an open tactical circuit, belittling my requests. And at the hotwash, it wasn't until the male officers in our delegation repeated my suggestions that they were taken for further review and followup. Still, brush-offs aside, the general response following the at-sea portion was that our exercise - which I had greatly re-written from the previous conference's draft, to increase its realism and applicability - was one of the most useful of the dozen or so executed during the overall event.

So operationally, I've stood my ground. I earned public bridge-to-bridge compliments after conning the ship sweaty-palmed, but smoothly through a RAS (refueling-at-sea) evolution in very rough weather. I gained the silent respect of pilots in Jordan and Bahrain, navigating to and away from a pier; particularly with the very tight mooring evolution in Bahrain, between a South Korean destroyer and a damaged Navy sub, where I spun the ship around in her place and parallel-parked her, as though we had the assistance of stern thrusters or a Z-drive.

I am glad to be here, the female face in the wardroom, in the foreground and not disappearing in the distance. A Navy colleague out here told me that when his destroyer came through, they had a junior officer pretend to be their XO at all official functions: they figured their female XO might be accepted by traditional Middle Eastern societies. To me, that undermines what we stand for as Americans. Do we shy away from appointing a female Secretary of State; do we have her underlings impersonate her in male-dominated countries?

In Bahrain, where I visited the Grand Mosque, my fully-cloaked female guides suggested that what the Western world called "oppression" of women was actually freeing and respectful. Women worshipped separately so they wouldn't be bending over for prayers in front of lustful male eyes. They covered up so they wouldn't distract men from holy thoughts. They had the most important role: raising the children, the next generation, the men who would become great leaders of the future and the women who would, in turn, bear more men. The same words of traditional male-dominated cultures for centuries, and all centered around the towering obelisk of male primacy.


In its own way, I realize, it's no different from the "male gaze" dominating Western popular culture as well, despite our "advances" and feminism. Women's magazines abound with photo spreads of scantily clad women; both articles and advertising convince distraught readers that only with the right cosmetics, clothing, jewelry, fancy shoes, and the right attitudes and acts, can they hope to improve themselves enough to attract or keep a man; which is, of course, the ultimate goal of every modern woman's life.

It is then that the billowy black cloak and protecting veil seem, in their way, liberating.